Life Coach Column – April 2015 New You Magazine
I’m a 35-year-old Indian woman living in Dubai and am just picking up the pieces of my shattered life after being dumped by my fiancé. While dating him I realised he was extremely close to his family, especially his sister who was possessive sister and took a dislike to me instantly. Four months into the relationship he proposed. And within a week he changed drastically. He started speaking to me rudely and was always very busy to talk to me. A month later he ended things with me without any explanation. He said he loved me, but just couldn’t carry on… I have heard closure is overrated, but I can’t seem to move on because I just want to know why. My family and friends are against the idea of me getting in touch with him. But I don’t want to give up without even trying once. Part of me wants try winning him back and the other part of me just wants closure. What should I do?
Dear Ms Closure,
Yes, closure, as it is commonly thought if, is overrated; however, you can still have it without involving him! You’re obviously in two minds about it, which means you are in alignment with yourself and your goals which is presumably to find the right partner to share your life with.
Closure comes from extracting wisdom from a so called “negative” experience, without which you would not have allowed yourself to grow and to learn more, or clarify further, what it is that you were looking for in a mate; in other words to mature emotionally and thus be able to make the right choices.
I truly believe that every relationship we go through is about the “self” and not “the other” because through a relationship, especially “failed” ones, the other reflects back to you what you need to learn in order to grow and mature- or become wiser. A relationship is an interactive platform or experience which brings into the light the “shadow” or unconscious and hidden aspects within yourself, which you need to develop and work on; so you can feel empowered by your experiences instead of feeling jilted and victimised. Without such experiences with other people, you would not be able to develop.
If you can allow yourself to see the matter from this perspective, which is your personal development, you would not need to contact him in order to hear his explanation and have closure. In fact, his lack of action speaks louder than words! Re-read your letter, objectively, and you will find your explanation within it:
He has not “owned” who is, that is, he has not individuated, and is still influenced by what his family members think or say. He does not have his own mind; the manner with which he broke off the engagement and the way he behaved afterwards towards you was deliberate – to “repel” you which indicates how child-like and immature he is. Add to that his rudeness and lack of respect towards the person he supposedly chose to share his life. Do you seriously believe this is all you want, let alone deserve, in a life-partner? And how can explain all this to you when does not even have clue as to why he behaved that way? No wonder he could not carry on, you were out of his league!
In my view, his lack of response reflects back to you that you need to believe in yourself worth more, and it does not matter whether “the other” explains himself or not, for his behaviour reflects back to you where he is at in life, and the fact that you deserve better. That should be enough.
This was a valuable experience for you- otherwise your own personal growth would have been stifled by marrying into such a family, and such an immature person. No wisdom will be gained in contemplating how his mind works. Instead, get to know your own. Life is too short – you can move on now!