The Life Coach, New You Magazine – Feb 2016
At 39 years old, I am fit, solvent and mentally stable and yet am still single. Please don’t tell me to join a class or to network, I have tried and it doesn’t work! I am seriously thinking of leaving Dubai and going home as guys in this part of the world just don’t seem to be serious about long term commitments. Give me a plan of action to help me meet a suitable partner that I can have a serious relationship with.
Dear Ms. Fit, Solvent & Stable,
Unless “home” is China or India, where gender imbalance is man-made; you’re unlikely to find a suitable partner because everywhere else “man deficit” is real! According to Jon Briger author of Date-onomics: How Dating Became a Lopsided Numbers Game who’s findings include that to every four college educated women, there are three men- suggesting that if women cross the education-line and marry or partner with non-college educated men then there might be more fish in the sea. Alternatively, their choices are playing musical chairs with women who are partnered already, or moving to Silicon Valley, San Francisco, San Jose, Denver or Seattle where statistically there are more available men.
Practically speaking though; your respective choice of words when describing yourself is interesting: “fit, solvent and mentally stable”. Were the men you dated in Dubai slobs, financially dependent or unhinged? Unlikely. More likely, emotionally challenged, immature, or commitment phobic- and those men (and women) exist world-wide, and in any country or culture.
Are your criteria for the right man then looks/health, bank account size and mental-wellbeing? Or does your choice of words reflect what you perceive men’s benchmarks to be and you’ve built your self-image around that? I don’t think that’s what you meant either. However, words express and influence our beliefs and therefore do have power. They reflect our perception and understanding of life and consequently what we create in it. So be careful what you wish for.
The solution to your problem does not lie in leaving Dubai, dating men from another culture, taking a class or networking. It does lie, however, in changing your beliefs which in turn will shape new and positive experiences in your life. I do believe that our beliefs attract experiences which confirm them.
Moreover, true love is about having a connection with the right person that endures time and transcend fluctuating emotions. You can’t really connect with someone unless you know them as a person without any preconceptions; and there is no better way of getting to know someone than befriending them. I believe too that you can only truly refer to someone as a friend when you have a connection with them in the first place; otherwise it’s just casual acquaintanceship.
The ideal partner is a “best friend” where the connection deepens with time and enriches your life in a special way that no other connection can. Ask yourself instead, what can you offer another and what can you bring into the relationship? What you will receive over the years would be a great deal more.
Start by seeing men as “people”, not as a potential mate, without classifying them physically, geographically, or financially. See if they are interesting, nurturing, stimulating as you would when considering a friend. Allow that friendship to develop and deepen by being yourself at all times – a worthy human being; worthy of love and companionship and ready to exchange these qualities with another. You’d be falling in love with your best friend.
Enjoy your journey of finding the right mate, for it is really the journey of getting to know yourself; and drop me a line and let me know when it’s time by a hat!
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