Nothing Happens by Chance: Taking responsibility
“She held the head of her stick against her heart as she stood looking at the table; she in her once white dress, all yellow and withered; the once white cloth all yellow and withered; everything around, in a state to crumble under touch” Dickens description of Miss Havisham in David Copperfield.
As the New Year draws close, do you wonder why things don’t appear to be going your way? Does your life sometimes seem like a never-ending struggle, facing one obstacle after another? In your desperation to make things work, have you secretly wished for a single solution to all your frustrations, a magic bullet?
In reality, a one-bullet solution to all your troubles does NOT exist. However, be careful what you wish for otherwise you would be wasting your time and effort chasing something you never really wanted in the first place!
Before you can realise anything you desire in your life you need to clarify what your intentions is, and consistently focus your thoughts, feelings and actions, towards that desire. Simply put, if you consistently align your thoughts, feelings and actions towards your goal, you will achieve it.
For example, if you want to take trip from London to Paris on the Eurostar, you will have to go the train station where trains leave to Paris from, buy a ticket to Paris, and then board the right train to Paris, and it is not surprise that you will in due time arrive in Paris. However, how many times you have thought that this is what you have done, only to end up in disappointed with the outcome!
Victim or creator
A woman called me one evening frantic and desperate. She was three months pregnant and has not heard from her boyfriend, who had left the country and ignored all her attempts to contact him.
Few months earlier, we had discussed her relationship and how he was not Mr. Right; and that her relationship was not going anywhere. She asked me now whether it was a good idea to revenge herself by suing her boyfriend for childcare and threatening him by reporting certain information she had known about to him to the authorities; in effect forcing a response (even it were a negative one) from him.
I asked her “what do you think I would say?” After a silent pause, she started arguing her case, how she’s intelligent and beautiful, and how he’s the only man who had not succumbed to her charm, and that he had left her in the lurch. I asked her what she expected from their relationship. She said she had hoped he would propose and they’d marry. And when that did not happen, she assumed that he would once he found out that she was pregnant. But he did not – he left her instead!
“So this was just an assumption on your part?” “But he deceived me” she replied. I asked her how, when she was the one who assumed all along that he would change, whatever intention he had, when he first met her. “He had not forced you into intimacy, nor has he ever discussed proposing!”
After a while of to-ing and fro-ing and insisting on threatening him (she had already sent a threatening email without any response from him) I asked her what did she really want?
She said that she just wanted child support. Digging deeper, I asked her what if we were to assume that he was dead, was child support all she wanted? “Well, I want to be acknowledged by him, I never really wanted him in the first place; I don’t even like him!”
Evidently, her ego was hurt (no one has ever refused her advances before) and unaware that she went as far as getting pregnant yearning for his attention. Instead of recognising that, asking for child support was her way of justifying her actions and satisfying her ego.
I do not know whether our telephone connection was poor, or she did not like where our conversation was heading; there was a sudden click and the line went dead. I did not hear from her since.
Now, consider the following:
- was this woman actually aware of her true intentions?
- what beliefs did she have that helped create her experience?
- how did she feel as her drama unfolded?
- how did her actions, at each step, drive this experience towards feeling disappointed and let down?
- above all, has she really learnt from this experience, is she any wiser?
- would she do the same again?
To return to the train trip analogy, it’s as if this woman ended up arriving in Amsterdam, when she really wanted to go to Paris, and that although she had bought and paid for the ticket to Amsterdam, she wanted to blame her (ex-) boyfriend for her own mistake (I have known people who ended up arriving at the wrong destination having boarded the wrong plane). And the moral of the story is that until we are prepared to accept responsibility for our own actions we cannot manifest the future that we desire.
The Key Is Personal Awareness
I hope that in the New Year you will become increasingly more aware of the underlying principles that guide our actions and decisions, and that you will be able to see that underlying attributes of all experiences, whether you see them as “negative” or “positive”, are one and the same.