Like a mad man
I sought my carnal self
I do not know how long I searched
Perhaps for a thousand years or more
Perhaps even longer
Or perhaps from the beginning
The beginning of what?
The beginning of me, myself
yourself or yourselves?
I do not know
But you are not your carnal self!
It is very confusing
I do not want to talk to you
You do not understand me
Which 'me'?
  
Listen, like every carnal self on the earth
Mine had the same mercurial qualities
It appeared and disappeared in front of my eyes
As Mercury in the sky
To a naked eye
Eyes should not be naked
They should be perpetually clothed, clothed and closed
So they can see all that disappears in front of them
Closed eyes follow much
All that hides itself
All that conceals itself
If you have to really catch something, anything
Then close your eyes
Never open them again

Was it a lucky day or a lucky moment or a lucky split second?
Or perhaps it was my whole fate
In complete articulation  
whatever it was, it was so exciting
Such excitement as I had never felt before
I found the ultimate hideout of my carnal self
God knows how I did it!
I put both my hands in the darkest cave
And while praying I caught my carnal self
And pulled it out
Out in the open, in front of my naked eyes
It was fluffy, scared and trembling in my hands
I was scared too, scared of losing it
If I had lost it, I would have lost my life
Here and thereafter
It would have gone to such a secret place where I would never find it
again
All secrets are not yet revealed to man
Because man has not yet been able to discover all his own secrets

I brought my captured carnal self to my kitchen
Where with a tingling in my heart and throat together
I slaughtered it with my own hands
Strangely, I did not feel any guilt, any repulsion
As if I had captured a whole kingdom
And celebrations were just around the corner
I washed it thoroughly
Again and again and again
Then I marinated it with salt and spices
I cooked my carnal self in the best wine available to me
It looked such a delicacy in my burnt pot
I had never seen such a succulent dish
I put on a silver plate
And decorated it with a leaf of silver
Which was trembling too
Perhaps with the flow of my breath
And I served my own carnal self to myself
But before I could eat, my carnal self arrived resurrected
From heaven or from hell
And ate all of itself up
He did not spare a bite for me
I am still hungry
But my carnal self is well fed
As I was washing the silver plate
I thought carnal selves never die
They always survive
Even if you sacrifice them
They always come back
Perhaps a little more vulnerable, a little more subdued

So it is a futile activity
I have already lost so much time in the pursuit of my carnal self
I have other selves to look after too
Why I am so obsessed with it alone?
So I have decided
Next time when I cook something
We will eat together
My carnal self and I
And enjoy our food
Our existence
Our togetherness

But the question remains
Why I was running after consummating union
When togetherness is sufficient for me?
I enjoyed it
I enjoyed it
And it never demands cannibalism

(c) Syed Hamraz Ahsan, hamraz@starmeditation.com

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